Finding Ever After

The audience for this review is readers of a newsletter for marriage enrichment leaders with the Association for Couple in Marriage Enrichment. www.bettermarriages.org

The purpose of the book Finding Ever After by Dr. Robert S. Paul with Donna K. Wallace is to build a marriage after it’s been rescued from disaster. Dr. Paul is co-president of the National Institute of Marriage. Evidently, it is a semi-sequel to The DNA of Relationships for Couples by Dr. Greg Smalley, which is how to “embrace the healing power of forgiveness, and find miraculous hope as you press on toward the union of your dreams.” I didn’t know that it is recommended to read that book first when I picked this book up. Even so, this book is a valuable addition to your marriage enrichment library.
The beginning of the book is mainly about the need to connect to the Holy Spirit as the source of all inspiration and life. The obstacles to an inspired life are enumerated: fear, boredom, and the “Happily-Ever-After” fantasy. It encourages us to embrace God’s plan, not because He needs our help, but because He wants to share the blessing with us of the grand adventure.
Then Dr. Paul talks about how men tend to favor the outward journey of adventure, but women tend to favor the inward journey of romance. He makes clear to state that this is an over-generalization, but a good jumping off point. He talks about the adventure of learning and growing together as a couple and that when we stop growing together, our marriage enters a holding pattern and stagnates. He says that “passion fades only when people lose their curiosity.” When the passion of early infatuation levels off, people will often err in one of two ways: either disillusionment and settling for less than desired or restlessness and abandoning the relationship. One way to avoid both traps is to build on the area of either adventure or romance where we are lacking. A well-rounded person is able to do both and it can be cultivated. He then gives some thoughts on how that can be accomplished. One of the obstacles in building a fulfilling marriage is to view the differences of perspective as a problem to be solved, thus creating a feeling of there not being enough room in the marriage for both perspectives. “The marriage is significantly blessed when both are committed to making sure that each is encouraged and able to aspire.”
He then enters into the area of conflict resolution. The most profound statement was that “You both win, or you both lose.” He makes the center point of conflict resolution the idea that both partners need to be invested in the final agreement or the conflict is not really resolved. He also encourages the reader to set up a place of physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental refuge within the marriage. Vulnerability is impossible if either member of the couple feels unsafe. He goes so far as to say that we are stewards of our spouse’s heart, and defines steward as “someone who protects and adds value to assets that are not their own.” We are to view our partner’s heart as precious as a fragile and expensive heirloom or treasure. In order to be a good steward, we must become students of our spouse and all their dreams and aspirations. We can’t demand entry into their inner lives, but must make ourselves trustworthy so that we can be invited in. There are some lists and charts to make conversation easier. One method is called “ICU”, standing for Identify the feelings of the speaker, Care about those feelings and Understand those feelings. This seems to be very similar to the “Point of View” hand diagram and exercise.
Finally, there are some steps for growth. One of them is a making a mission statement for the marriage that can be used to give perspective during challenging times. He gives some sample statements to get the creative juices flowing. He encourages couples to be investors in their marriage instead of consumers. A serious investor has less concern for the short term gain, and instead focuses on the long term success of the investment. He gives tips for dreaming together toward the future of the marriage and some ideas for making those dreams come true.
Throughout the book are various anecdotes from Dr. Paul’s own marriage and the marriages of others. Some are funny and others are serious. At the end of each chapter are questions that could easily be adapted to awareness exercises in a group setting. The mission statement exercises and tips for implementing dreams would be valuable additions to the growth plan. This book would also be useful for couples to use by themselves and can be freely recommended.